


Fault

by Orangepencils



Series: To Do Lists [4]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, Family, Family Dynamics, Gen, shortly before draft/od and post od
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 12:30:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5708194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orangepencils/pseuds/Orangepencils
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The therapist tells Alicia it’s not her fault. Logically, she knows that. She knows that she didn’t pour pills down Jack’s throat and make him overdose. She knows that she couldn’t have predicted the dramatic change of events. She knows. She’s not stupid. It would be an insult to her degree."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Molitzz for the betaing. :)

** Fault **

The therapist tells Alicia it’s not her fault. Logically, she knows that. She knows that she didn’t pour pills down Jack’s throat and make him overdose. She knows that she couldn’t have predicted the dramatic change of events. She knows. She’s not stupid. It would be an insult to her degree.

Yet she still wakes up in the middle of the night, gasping for air, feeling as though she could have done something to help Jack.

She’s his mother, for God’s sake. Her motherly instinct should have went off and made her do something, instead of – instead of –

Instead of nothing.

Instead of selfishly indulging in a night out and finding out hours later, through Kent’s frantic calls.

The thought of it makes her want to vomit.

To know that she hadn’t even been there in her son’s time of need. To know that Jack had suffered alone until Ken found him. To know that any later and she would have lost Jack forever.

It’s too much. She wants to scream and smash her finest set of china. (She doesn’t think about the fact that they were planning on a nice celebratory dinner – her, Bob, Jack, and Kenny – before the boys would be shipped out to their new teams. The first of what was supposed to be many new celebrations in their long careers.)

If she’s honest with herself – if she really sits down and lets her mind connect with her emotions, she knows exactly why she still feels so guilty about the whole thing.

She could have prevented it.

With Jack out of the house, her and Bob had re-started going out together. Just the two of them. (They had family outings before, but there hadn’t always been time for just them.) It was nice. She liked spending time with her husband and she felt it made their bond stronger. There had been so many years when Bob had been shepherded left-right and centre throughout the North American continent and she had spent her evenings alone, or making her way through her fair share of galas.

This was a nice change, enjoying one another and re-discovering endearing traits about the other. Bob still made her laugh and she could still feel the butterflies in her stomach when he smiled at her just so.

But they had a schedule. Or more like, they had a routine.

They were both very busy people and so, they had reserved a specific time, every two weeks, for their date night. It worked for them, they had only bailed once, they had seen their fair share of shows, had gone to a variety of different restaurants, and most importantly, they had fallen in love all over again.

That Thursday night was supposed to be like every other second Thursday. Bob had made reservations at some nice nouvelle cuisine restaurant and she was looking forward to it.

\--

Because the draft was in Montreal, Kenny had come up to stay with them for a few weeks. Alicia liked having him in the house. He seemed to bring out something in Jack and the two of them together were a riot.

Plus, with all the press about who would be going first, both Alicia and Bob felt it would be good for Jack not to be alone. With Kenny and the both of them by his side, Jack would have all the support he needed. His best friend and his two parents. It was the perfect recipe.

And yet.

And yet...

Alicia knew Jack hated throwing his name around to get favours. Sometimes, she wondered if he wouldn’t eventually change his name altogether to get some privacy. However, with the pressure of the draft and the media press having a field day, the NHL had invited all of its potential future players to stay at a hotel close to the Bell Centre. That way, they could keep a closer eye on the players, the media folk wouldn’t have far to go and the kids from out of town would have a place to stay.

Jack didn’t want to go.

Alicia knew that. Jack never told her so, but Alicia knew her son. She had carried him around for nine months and had spent her fair share of nights rubbing his back as a toddler and child to know, more often than not, what was going on in his head.

She had spoken to Bob about it and asked if there was a way the boys, or at the very least, Jack, could stay home until the draft. She was even willing to drive them at four in the morning, if needed. But Bob had said no. Not because he didn’t want Jack around, but because he felt going to the hotel would be better for him.

At the hotel, he would be with the other potential draftees, surrounded by other young adults who would be as nervous as he would, there would be people checking up on him, Kenny would be there, and he wouldn’t have to worry about the press coming after him at home. Everything would be in one area. It would also do him good to get a decent feel of the whole NHL hockey madness. Or so Bob had said.

Alicia had eventually believed him, figuring he had been through it once and she didn’t press the issue further.

Now Jack is in a rehab centre.

If only she had pushed further.

\--

Therefore, because Jack was away, she called him up, like she always did to see how he was doing. She knew her son wasn’t exactly the greatest at keeping in touch, but if she called him he picked up. It helped that they had found a time when he would be available and it calmed her worried mother’s heart. Part of her also liked to think that it helped Jack as well.

Because it was date night and since the draft was the following day, Alicia had called earlier than usual. She knew Jack and Kenny were having a get together of sorts with some of the other boys and because she was a creature of habit, she still wanted to call Jack.

Jack had seemed fine on the phone – or as fine as he could be with the weight of his future and the pressure of his father’s legacy on his shoulders. She knew he was anxious about it and he had spent a few restless nights over it, but when she had tried to inquire, Jack had assured her that he was fine. He was tired, stressed, and he really wanted this to be over, but he was fine.

In retrospect, she should have said something more. She was supposed to know her son. This was the time when she was meant to intervene and have some sort of sixth sense alerting her that not everything was okay. Instead, she told herself that Jack was fine and that if anything, Kenny was with him.

It’s her fault.

It’s her fault.

She almost killed her son.

It’s her fault.

Her negligence almost made her lose the one thing she could not live without.

She is a mother. She is supposed to know these things.

Therefore, she as good as forced those pills down Jack’s throat.

\--

They don’t go out anymore. Alicia can’t bring herself to leave, convinced something equally terrifying will happen to Jack since it did last time and Bob doesn’t have it in him to shake her out of it.

It’s been two months.

Instead, Alicia makes sure she has her cell phone on her at all times, and when she’s home, the home phone is never far away. Bob thinks it’s excessive but he doesn’t say anything. Not even when Alicia can’t answer because she’s certain it’s only bad news.

However, despite everything, there’s something in Alicia that feels off about this Thursday night. A part of her brain tells her that Bob would have normally taken her out and that therefore she’s almost expecting him to take out his car keys and tell her to get ready. Instead, she stays perfectly seated on the living room couch, gazing straight ahead at an old family photo that smiles back at her sardonically.

What a lie that picture is. There’s nothing perfect about her life or her family.

The house is quiet. The stereo isn’t even on and neither is the television. She can hear the clock ticking in the kitchen and she wonders if she shouldn’t check herself in. She can’t possibly be hearing the clock.

She can feel Bob before she sees him and he sits right next to her, as quiet as he’s been these past couple of months.

For a long time, they both sit side by side, lost in their own thoughts. She wonders what Bob thinks about when the silence is heavy around them. Normally she would ask, but her tongue feels heavy and she’d rather drown in her own head than talk about what’s eating at her. She wonders if he feels guilty like she does and if he’s been questioning his role as a parent ever since.

She almost forgets about Bob, until he speaks, ever so softly that she almost doesn’t hear him.

“You know, we could still go out.” He starts and Alicia nearly freezes. He can’t be serious.

“It’s fine, we can stay at home.”

“It’s been two months, Alicia. Nothing is going to happen.” He sounds tired. Alicia doesn’t think she’s ever heard him sound so… broken. Lost.

“You don’t know that.”

“And you don't know that things will go badly either.”

She's silent again. She doesn't know what to say. She knows that logically, Bob is right. She can't predict the future and she couldn't know about the overdose. But just like Bob and Jack had their little rituals and superstitions (not that they'd ever call them that) she has her own.

She calls it her motherly instinct and now she wonders if it still works.

“C'm'on, it might do you some good to get out of the house.” He tries again, this time a little softer. Alicia snaps.

“Get out of the house? You want me to get out of the house? In case you haven't noticed I do, get out of the house. Every day. Every day I get out of the damn house. Every day I leave this house to visit Jack. Every day I find the courage to get out of the house when you can't even come with me to visit your son.”

She doesn't mean it that way. She really doesn't, because as much as she copes by keeping busy, she knows Bob hasn't been able to face Jack, convinced himself that he led Jack to his overdose. She knows he wants to go. She knows he wakes up every morning, looks himself in the mirror, and tells himself he’ll go today. She knows he goes as far as up the street from their house, before he breaks down and has to pull over. She knows it kills Bob that he’s so weak and she knows it kills Jack because he thinks he let his father down and that Bob doesn’t love him anymore.

She knows because she followed him once.

She knows she never wants to see so much anguish on her husband’s face.

She knows she never wants to see her son in a rehabilitation room questioning his father’s love.

“I'm sorry...” What a pair they make. What a great family. Not only is she a great mother, but a perfect wife, apparently. She feels Bob sag next to her and she spares him the first glance since he sat down. There are bags under his eyes that she hasn't seen in years and more grey to his hair. He looks as though he's been trying to carry the world on his shoulders for too long and she feels the same.

She remembers a time when they used to share that burden.

Alicia turns fully and raises a tentative hand to his cheek, caressing it softly. Bob lets out a sigh and he leans closer to her. She meets him halfway and it gets hard to distinguish who's supporting who.

“I'm sorry...” She repeats and Bob puts an arm around her crushing her to him. She buries her face in his chest, repeating the same two words over and over, not even realizing she's crying until she feels Bob’s own tears on her cheek.

Maybe they'll go to diner tomorrow.

**FIN**

**Started writing: January 4 th 2016, 8h32pm  
Finished writing: January 4th 2016, 10h54pm**

**Author's Note:**

> I'm randomoranges on tumblr, come say hi :)


End file.
